why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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