Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
