does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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