when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
