I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
