She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
