it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
