God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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