I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
