at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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