I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
