My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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