Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
