and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
