Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
