i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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