it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i love accidental penises.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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