So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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