Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
