Dude my mom stole all your condoms
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
