why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
