I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
