If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
