I'm eating all of the evidence.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
