my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
