I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
