So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
