My liver just broke up with me...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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