Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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