Is it because I queefed?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
