how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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