My hand turned me down
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
