I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
