well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Randomize
