i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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