omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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