Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
that is very illegal...i love you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
