At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
