My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
