Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
