I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Shame - the story of my life.
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