where does the pee come out of this thing
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
