a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
