Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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