Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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