Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
