She is in my trunk
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
