I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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