She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
