Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
