Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
