the day after is always just damage control
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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