I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
