Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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