She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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