Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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